March 2011

Awake

" Ulysses turned his back to port and followed a rough path that led through the forest and hills to the place that Athena had told him ... "

Richard continued reading for a while. He was restless but tried to be interested in the journey of Odysseus home to his loyal "swineherd" - what word, what a way to earn a living! - who, of course, does not recognize it, no one recognizes anyone in these old books, but still offers food and Ulises hits your ears with complaints. Every once in a while Richard glanced at Ana, asleep beside him. He maintained the hope that she was awake, turn around and opened her arms to him, no luck. sad, anxious, he returned to the Odyssey. Ana had left on the nightstand, opened in this chapter, which was Richard boring and implausible. I flipped to the part where Odysseus strung his bow and slaughters the suitors, but there was much more sophisticated descriptions and rants of reminiscent of the version which had read as a child. He was supposed to be I read it after a couple of years ago, as part of the core of his first year at Columbia, but became ill with flu this week.

was a library book. He studied the retirement dates, few and scattered, then closed it and put it back.

Ana had only moved a little when he lit the lamp. Now he had turned off, it had dropped on his pillow and was covered with blankets, hoping that all this would do the trick , but she continued to sleep, snoring gently, his face to the wall. The bed was narrow and dark became even more aware of the heat of her back, especially his legs. He touched his delicate curvature with the knee and she walked away, leaving him angry and resentful, but also aware that he had no right to be, that she had been delivered twice that night and had to get up early with a full day ahead waitress, he only had to attend a class in the afternoon. But knowing this does not calmed a need, because it felt like a necessity, no less - against him have it again, moving the open mouth in his, the fingers digging into his back.

Jesus! I had to think of something else.

But what? Even thinking about something else, he would know he was doing it for recreation, and that thought would take him back to bed, the weight of Anne by her side, her breath, her warmth. However, if maintained long enough thinking about something else perhaps fall asleep, or at least be awake and ready when the alarm sounded was not meant to apply pressure. Unless they hurry, which she liked, she would have to go to work without breakfast or without a shower. He would give a look, especially his eyes, and she knew, and then she could do whatever he wanted. And he would not act as if hurt if she did not want. Really, I would not. Not this time.

Think of something else.'s Okay. "Exorcist"-that old novel he found in the lounge of the dorm. Richard had seen the movie the possessed girl whose head is spinning around his neck like a top, but did not know beforehand that came from a book was not that great literature out or something. However, it was quite interesting. The writer had done much research on exorcism, and some of the cases were shocking enough to make you believe in the devil, or at least while I was reading the novel. It turned out that there were some priests who specialized in casting out demons. That was his job, its niche market waiting out there, such as firefighters, that the alarm came. Devil in a housewife from Idaho! Devil in a bus driver in Delaware! What was strange was that? As if being a priest was not already strange enough. Richard had been something religious when I was young, I prayed before meals and went to Sunday school on Sunday, where cuts hit men with torches felt beard. The church was fine, as long it had felt good afterwards. perhaps even becoming religious may be again someday, when was much older. But Give up women? never kiss a woman, never have legs a woman around you.

sat down and hit the glass of water that Anne had left for him on the night table. He had downed the last weekend and had enough fuss to wake her, but did not think you should try again, so was careful to lift and return after drinking their fill.

leaned back against the pillow. He closed his eyes, but just then Anna gave a little snort and moved with him, issuing a fresh wave of heat, and, weakly, that sweet smell a hot bed of it, like freshly baked bread, and he lay there, tense, waiting, but she did not move again. He heard the clock ticking, her own breath back, rough and harsh.

looked up at the ceiling, a thin strip of light that escaped in spite of the shadows, outside lamp on the street. No priests think about it did not help. All right, then the Odyssey. You should read it again.'s going to read, for sure, this time in the adult version . I could eat a few parliaments and descriptions, to earn his way to the good parts, especially the slaughter at the end. He liked the idea of \u200b\u200bOdysseus returning home, after all his wanderings and blunders, putting things in place, taking back his wife and his house, no discussion, no mess.

Then read the Iliad. Also "War and Peace" and "The Brothers Karamazov." All the books that Anne had in his shelf, and I really liked. Richard was in a major in economics and did not have much time for outside reading, and when I was relaxed with a mystery or a horror. OK, so he was not a great literary character, then, demándalo! He would like to see one of those sensitive souls dealing with the things he was trying in International Seminar on Environmental Economics. Modules Reduction Strategy. Alternative equity criteria. Analysis of General Equilibrium Impact. Later, he thought. Fuck yourself at home.

was that Anna was not well - a snob. It was not. She really loved those books were important to her, and Richard knew he had not been completely honest about taste when they met. He had allowed him to think that was great with the classics, and she had believed he had the idea that Columbia students were not only ready, but worship, and they were going to college not to later achieved a big job but in the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom. In order to become better people. She was naive in that way. Richard had liked her innocence, and sense of benevolence adult this gave him. She was a few years older than him, and this as the beginning level things, know the score as he went along, letting it take its ideas.

That was how it was then, at first. I do not. After two months with Ana, he knew that he was the cliché, which lacked experience. Her family was from Russia but had lived for many years in Chechnya, where his father ran a food processing plant.

During the war, the factory had been destroyed and had killed the brother of Anna's family lost everything. She had been sent to the mother of his mother in Tel Aviv - a widow, cruel as a witch in a fairy tale. Now she was staying with an aunt there in Queens, and was working illegally at a restaurant in Amsterdam. That's where Richard had known. The Russian had heard another waitress, and when she came to the table proved a few sentences from his year of Russian in high school, and she had almost wept with surprise and joy.

She was not his type, Ana, a little heavy, round face. Small pox scars on his forehead. His English was pretty good but with a thick accent. No had intended to ask her out. But then he did the next night. A week later she took it home, that little attic room in the house of her aunt. So were just having fun, that was how he had seen, the two having fun before going their separate ways, as did the people, people of his age even with all of life ahead. You do not want to be tied now when you would not know who you might know and might appear that opportunities and adventures.

That was the idea. Good times, no strings attached. But after a month and saw that Anna had taken everything seriously. She had tried to pretend it does not but if, and he knew, and decided to break things. It would be wrong to take advantage of it. Besides the long subway ride from his home and he was tired back. But then he discovered he could not break, because even with their friends, even chatting with other girls, I missed, I missed his voice guttural, and direct and funny way she said things I missed him pleasure and see in her eyes. was desolate at night that I had to sleep in the room of their residence alone.

loud voices were heard outside, the voices of men speaking English. Ana moved, he muttered. The voices continued. In silence, Richard sat down and took another drink of water. Now, being away from her made him feel unnatural. Only in bed, sitting in class, writing an email to his parents , I thought about it and it hurt. But I could not last, "he knew. And now she knew that he would break with him. Anne was who was going to be, and he did not. She was a woman and he was not a man. It looked like a man. even an interesting man, dark and rugged features attractive, with a grave and thoughtful air. But its appeal did not fit the way it felt, how I knew it was. Sometimes, walking down the street, flipping through a store window and was surprised to view himself as if he had a costume.

The girls liked it. They assumed certain things about him, and he had learned to act their part, but I knew that Ana would not hold much longer. Not because she was older, but because his thinking was smaller than hers. He was not curious, as it did not like or trust in others, like her for all the hardships of her life. He complained a lot, and she never complained. And though I hated being separated from her, they left together, he watched other women and imagine having them, and even had their pictures to bed. At times, she coolly caught him studying her wishing she lost weight, do something with those marks of smallpox, and he could feel his own insignificance and triviality as the color drained from her face. Very soon she would see him clearly, and understand their mistake. He was already looking for signs of withdrawal: impatience, condescension, certain weariness. He had seen this before, with the only girl who had been together. "Ana had not been noticed? How could she not know? Was it just because he was attractive and was always ready? Or because he was American, and perhaps use in a plan?

No! Ana did not think that way, "What kind of evil spirit, knowing it could even imagine such a thing? Jesus! What you been? Ana was a noble woman. Okay, that sounded like something out of Mon book, it but it was true. It was just that she had come too soon ... she was the one he should have known later, after he had stuck his neck out there and had suffered some losses, after he had ruined things, that they had screwed up, he had lost and would have continued anyway, when his little soul cliché would have taken some lumps and some healing and had bulges in the soul of a man so he could look with their own eyes and not feel like a kid with a mask. Then I could have reached it, have strung the great arch, have been lying consuming all those needs and concerns cowards, and love have claimed as their right.

The band of pale light on the roof and disappeared. Richard heard the wail of the pipes on the floor below, the aunt was in the shower. The car horn sounded down on the street, and Ana stirred, turned, moved toward him. He felt his hand on her hip. She whispered his name. He kept his eyes closed and said nothing.

Tobias Wolff